”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
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me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
for all #parents out there
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.