“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
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Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Muppet Screams
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Facebook marketplace is a different world
I feel attacked.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it