“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
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Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
When your parents check you’re ok.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
According to math, I’m broke
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space