I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
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Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
I get distracted pretty eas
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*