Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
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ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
FRED: right
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”
In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms