Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”

Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”

Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔

Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.

Did my cat write this

I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.

“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives

Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.

“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”

*Go to a bar you Hate

*Put $50 in the Jukebox

*Play nothing but Nickelback

*Leave

Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.

Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…

Then I threw clock at her face.

I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.

Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore

There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi

Me: What do you want to do tonight?

Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —

Me: *already asleep*

I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.

It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again

well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night

I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.

My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.

Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance

I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”

Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine

75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.

Long job application should let me clock in to finish them

I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.

Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……k

That’s how a good marriage works people.

I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.

Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”