@Browtweaten

Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities

Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?

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@tastefactory

Try to imagine pugs living in the wild, just roaming in the forest in packs.

@murrman5

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

@Probgoblin

Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?

@Amburglar_

I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.

@Midgetspar

It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.

@EddieHarris216

6: What’s the Roman numeral for 4?
Me: IV
What’s the Roman numeral for 6?
Me: I don’t know. They named the movie Rocky Balboa.

@MissSassy_Pants

I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.

Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.

@KyleMcDowell86

[job interview]

“What’s your biggest weakness?”

“My honesty”

“I don’t think-”

“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”