I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
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The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
I can tell so much about a person just by guessing.
[walking home after date]
Date: it’s getting dark. it’s kinda scary. *winks* you’ll have to protect me
Me: oh don’t worry *i stomp my feet and the bottom of my shoes light up* i got you
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
*consoling friend who is a baker*
I’m really sorry about the fire at your bread shop. Looks like your business is toast now.