Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
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Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Anyone really
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”