@Browtweaten

Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities

Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?

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@Chumpstring

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

@daemonic3

The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.

@meganamram

I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”

@david8hughes

[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine

@007Rex_Inc

There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.

@iheartgunts

A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”

@tiemoose

[walking home after date]

Date: it’s getting dark. it’s kinda scary. *winks* you’ll have to protect me

Me: oh don’t worry *i stomp my feet and the bottom of my shoes light up* i got you

@stephenjmolloy

Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”

Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”

@Playing_Dad

*consoling friend who is a baker*
I’m really sorry about the fire at your bread shop. Looks like your business is toast now.