Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
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The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
is this store having a stroke wtf
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Easy enough.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.