Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
