Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
You Might Also Like
“Amanda Seyfried (left)”
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.