Four men having a little fun at an airport š
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I got a call from the library saying I was in āserious, serious troubleā for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on themā¦ and then the snack requests started.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they donāt realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: Iām not frisking you again
coworker: thatās a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
āDonāt you people have jobs?ā ā Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while Iām driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Iām like a potato because Iām:
-not special, but Iām usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when Iām salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, itās only a matter of time before McDonaldās servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & Iāll show you a kid who picks something that wasnāt even an option
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I wonāt show up to court
Jesus steals the winter solstice
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, ādoric columns donāt belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?ā or āur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?ā or
whenever I see a lady mail carrier iām like ok slay thatās a woman in a mail dominated field
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please donāt do this
ME: oh iām just getting started
Thereās a bald spot in my yard so Iām gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
<ā 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says āgoing downā. Never gets old.
We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I wonāt spoil the ending for you
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyoneās doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! Itās Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? Itās a mask! And itās not even leather. Itās made of a face. They should call me āFacemask.ā
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that canāt be good.
REALTOR: Itās a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: ā¦. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think Iāve seen enough.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Very good news from my accountant
