Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*

Wife: it’s still NO!

I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.

Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.

Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..

I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing

My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?

a rare painting of a porcu’melon

My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.

What kind of a cult is this?

“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*

I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.

parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it

People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes i see that now

Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!

Me: *changes the WiFi password*

Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.

Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened

“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.

[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan

Dude just wanted a popsicle…

I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.

At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.

An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”

Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I

If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you

*Puts on angry eyebrows*

Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.

There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity

Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before

Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs

My son can play any song by ear on the piano.

I can sort items for the recycling bin.

dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment