Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.

16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.

Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof

The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.

50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun

50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST

[Entomologist Meeting]

Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?

Guy who named the fly: A crawl?

G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd

Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.

Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere

Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.

Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.

Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺

“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first

[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP

ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.

BOSS: I love that

ME: My fir babies

HER: Get out

My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.

Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?

Him: “… I slept on the couch.”

Mmmm yeahh

You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.

New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.

I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.

I think I need a hard boiled egg.

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: What do we have here?

ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?

Do you know where my mexican hat is?

– It’s somewhere bro..

Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?

Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle

[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]

“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”

Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”

A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”

interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any

me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses

Wait….making the right choices is an option?!

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises

I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad

Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud

Me: I know how windows work pal

Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?

Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.