“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
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Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
$4 #usedbooks
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.