Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga

[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!

Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!

Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ

Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?

Me: yes. Molotov, please.

Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.

*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*

Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.

*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*

Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work

Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked

Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!

eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.

Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?

I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…

… my lifetime.

Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….

All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…

My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.

Also I’m sorta crunchy.

Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..

..

..

..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!

I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.

5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.

me: it’s okay in my book

5: what book? can I see the book?

me: it’s hypothetical

5: what’s hypothetical mean?

me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…

My conscience is clean.

Alcohol is technically a solvent.

This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting

One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.

Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.

My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.

Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?

Them: That’s a baby.

Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.

Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?

The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea

I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.

CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No

we squint at the sun because it’s bright

we squint at people because they are not…

As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.