Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.

Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*

friend: want to go swimming?

me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no

WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas

ME: k

[Christmas morning]

WIFE: um

PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*

ME: you should open that one first

I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭

[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no

Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.

Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”

Me: No.

Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.

If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.

Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell

Me: so I get to be the devil

Therapist: no absolutely no-

Me: Very cool

Therapist: wait but

Me: incredibly cool

Me: I need to get my shit together

My shit: not today, girl, not today

The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends

On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.

So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay

Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.

If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating

I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad

Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?

Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.

The Times are rough.

my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n

me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now

The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.

Pastor: For better, for worse?

Husbands: Sure.

P: In sickness and in health?

H: Yep.

P: Till death do you part?

H: I do.

P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.

H: Hang on … what?

(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..

Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor

If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.

if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong

If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.

DTF (Down time finally)

-mom’s everywhere