“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
You Might Also Like
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
The internet is magic sometimes.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Ironic
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”