Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
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Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Not all heroes wear capes…
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.