Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
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The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
sensitive skin
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.