Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.

i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay

if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me

Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.

‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.

Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”

website: do you accept cookies?

me: into my heart as my Lord and savior

I don’t hate children, just yours.

Her: How’s your drink?

Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though

Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake

I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.

If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister

Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster

Best things to pull:

9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger

I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..

There all like awww shit,

who’s it gonna be this time

Son: what are those wrinkles

Me: crows feet

Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you

Me:

I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine

Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.

Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?

Them: That’s called flavour

Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it

Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper

Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: is he a doctor?

Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse

This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.

I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…

scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left

aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?

sientist: ause it’s your fault

My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.

can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise