FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
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“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:
Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it