Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.

So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.

My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life

One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.

Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)

You’re the water to my grease fire.

NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!

ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you

So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.

*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”

“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”

“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.

You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.

Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.

Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.

I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie

[at art museum]

Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Me: It needs more yellow

Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*replaces battery*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*takes battery back out*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER

Smoke Detector:

Me:

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?

Me: your what?

Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: I’m confused

Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: *crying* someone help me

What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?

[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]

Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed

returning to work after a holiday weekend like

Dogs should be allowed to drive.

My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same

[police questioning a friend about my murder]

Police: Did he have any enemies

Friend: Boy did he ever

[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]

HER: This is nice.

ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.

Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”