@2tickytacky

Four uses I have for my guitar now:

1) fly swatter
2) wiffle ball bat
3) rug beater
4) oven pizza spatula thing

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@shadygeekdad

Guys, when a woman is mad just tell her she’s overreacting. She’ll realize you’re right and calm right down.

@madcaplaughs30

If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.

@SF_incognito

You (normal person, can make small talk): I like your name

Me (awkward af, says stupid shit constantly): thanks it was a birthday present

@philyuck

She *blows into Nintendo cartridge* took *blows into Nintendo cartridge* the *blows into Nintendo cartridge* kids

@fro_vo

Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview

@EllaZee5

*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets

@scorpicpanda

{after you tell me about your horrible, yet life altering near-death experience}

“Have you seen my charger?”

@Arr

The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them

@jonnysun

how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones