11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
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[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.