Four uses I have for my guitar now:

1) fly swatter
2) wiffle ball bat
3) rug beater
4) oven pizza spatula thing

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Guys, when a woman is mad just tell her she’s overreacting. She’ll realize you’re right and calm right down.


If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.


You (normal person, can make small talk): I like your name

Me (awkward af, says stupid shit constantly): thanks it was a birthday present


She *blows into Nintendo cartridge* took *blows into Nintendo cartridge* the *blows into Nintendo cartridge* kids


Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview


*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets


{after you tell me about your horrible, yet life altering near-death experience}

“Have you seen my charger?”


The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them


how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones