Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.

What do you want, a meddle?

My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind

ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single

The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.

Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.

I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.

DOCTOR: you have leprosy

ME: *lmao*

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.

didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off

I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution

me: we should tell our son he’s adopted

wife: but he isn’t

me: I know but I’m bored

Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.

I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer

You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?

*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.

Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.

It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?

Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….

Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.

LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.

Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.

are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.

the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.

I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.

Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.

girls literally only want one thing..

don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry

– me taking a joke

A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.

My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.