“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
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Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Managing expectations
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.