Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
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I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Where is your GOD now????
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
What do you call it when one banana eats another?
Cannibananabalism.