Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!

I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used

Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.

My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day

Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.

ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help

I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.

At least it tasted like a taco salad.

[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”

There’s lots of fish in the sea

“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”

If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

me: i’d love it

ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure

You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”

If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby

[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try

I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.

My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.

Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours

DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.

Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.

My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.

I thought there was something wrong with her.

Turns out she’s being R2-D2.

Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder

“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”

i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth*

*pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet

My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.

Me: I didn’t

[bounce]

Me: buy the kids

[bounce]

Me: a trampoline.

[bounce].

I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.

I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.

Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.