Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
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Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
I’ve just bought a new Christmas keyboard for my computer.
There’s No L.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea