Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
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Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
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I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
mariah carrie
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Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
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[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*