Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
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Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup