fourth time’s the charm
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It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
incredible text to wake up to
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Every damn time
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*