fourth time’s the charm
You Might Also Like
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
i really liked this one
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
I spelt ‘necessities’ correctly in one go, and now i am not sure if i have improved or AC is broken!?!
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo