Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Even Forrest Gump got laid.

This is bullshit.

I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

[Jeopardy]

Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.

Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.

Me: [buzz] what is summer.

Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.

Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.

At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days

Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.

Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.

I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.

hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment

Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in

I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75

One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.

*wipes off Chapstick

Weigh me now

I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.

It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past

*watches someone skateboard off a roof

…hold my beer

You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.

My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.

My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”

I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk

For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”

Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.

The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.

[working at the DMV]

Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?

Boss: *sweating profusely*

My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday

Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]

Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing

Judge [teary]: Just wonderful

Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.

But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.

Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet

Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood

It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”

I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.

I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”

What a weirdo.