Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *checks Fitbit*

My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.

Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.

[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now

The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath

The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.

him: hands up, this is a robbery!

me *looks around* it’s actually a bank

A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”

Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit

They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?

My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.

Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide

Boss: you’re late

Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court

Boss: I hate you

Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries

Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.

I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Paperwork and shit

Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone

Me: I said “and shit”

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there

Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.

I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.

(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein

Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?

So does Tequila….

My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.

I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.

[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help

Vegetarian? Sea kelp.

Cannibal? Seek help.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.

A wise man once told me,

“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute