Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
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*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou