Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
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Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
I laughed at this way too hard.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Terribly Tuesday.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once