Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
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wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?