Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
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My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Smooooooth
You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.