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CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*