Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
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Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together