My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
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Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
Person who doesn’t know I’m on twitter: Have you see