@tweetcomedian

Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?

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@OfficeofSteve

Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries

@HenpeckedHal

me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that

@Jake_Vig

The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.

@mkat816

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

@DadZZZasleep

[on phone]

me: honey I won some free tickets

wife: cool, for what?

me: speeding and resisting arrest

wife: never heard of them

@kimlockhartga

Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?

Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.

@ThugRaccoons

Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?

Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.

Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together

@Wames_Jaters

Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!

#hooters