Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?

Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!

Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?

Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?

Astrologer: no

Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.

“HOW” – dyslexic owl

My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one

When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge

[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…

Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???

I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.

Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.

i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars

You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?

[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”

Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating

Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3

wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa

hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line

Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me

As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.

If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.

when your wife asks about the texts from Marie

My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.

States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear

the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old

Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds

ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.

HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?

ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.

HER: I need to see other people

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.

Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.

What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣