Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.

Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.

Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.

Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”

Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me 

– Kanye West warming up

saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.

The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.

only 11 steps left

I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.

How is this not always the biggest story of the day?

Relationship stress can make you very confused!

Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?

[on Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__

Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!

Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.

Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD

Buzzer: *beeps*

Studio audience: *groans*

Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.

I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???

What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?

I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.

*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.

If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.

To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.

If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭

Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.

If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him

My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!

*knuckle tats*

( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )

(I’m a librarian)

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles

cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school