Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars

Why is everyone getting married at me

I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.

2019: The floor is lava.

2020: The year is lava.

me: my cup runneth over…

sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.

I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡

How wrong was this guy?

dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”

There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”

Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.

There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.

I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.

i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands

Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..

Worse: It was in her handwriting…

Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”

Toto: “Da f**k I do?”

“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”

2008: I want a career where I change the world

2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of

2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues

Kid: Mom, will you play with me?

Me: Sure.

Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.

Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*

[sees my pet ant crawl into the room where my wife and I are arguing] we can’t do this in front of her

Him: Send me a shower pic

Me:

I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit

I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.

Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.

Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?

I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.

There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.

a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.

And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.