@RexHuppke

Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword

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@MottoMan_

Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.

@sammyrhodes

Do they make a scale that says things like “Those shorts probably weigh, what, like 15 pounds?”

@Thedudish

If God had a sense of humor, he would have asked Noah to bring a pair of termites on board.

@UncleDuke1969

Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!

*points at baby*

Me: You gonna eat that?

@breatheandlove

On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.

You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*

*mumbles*

MIDWIFE crisis!

(…sorry.)

@jus4golf

Me: What’s for dinner?

Her: Chinese.

Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.

*catches duck
*fires up juicer

@TheAndrewNadeau

[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!

@SummerCandyEyes

I like to make things awkward on first dates just by shouting “wrong hole!!” at inappropriate times, like when you’re eating.

@kimtopher22

If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

@AlexvanBeek

Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.