@RexHuppke

Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword

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@DanMentos

[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager

@randomlawless

Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”

@krishna_van

People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year

@hellabrunette

But hear me out, imagine how much noise a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops.

@CruisinSoozan

I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.

@Home_Halfway

*enters password*
itaLLLy
[Your password must contain numbers and letters]
ROMAN CITIZEN: IT DOES, WTF

@ArfMeasures

Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw

Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment

Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti

@GBRougecity

In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.