Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword

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Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.


Do they make a scale that says things like “Those shorts probably weigh, what, like 15 pounds?”


If God had a sense of humor, he would have asked Noah to bring a pair of termites on board.


Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!

*points at baby*

Me: You gonna eat that?


On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.

You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*


MIDWIFE crisis!



Me: What’s for dinner?

Her: Chinese.

Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.

*catches duck
*fires up juicer


[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!


I like to make things awkward on first dates just by shouting “wrong hole!!” at inappropriate times, like when you’re eating.


If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?


Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.