Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
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as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
My teenage children choosing violence
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.