Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
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HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares.
It’s nice to have some company
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Why is no one talking about this?!
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
I don’t think we should be adding any new states to the US until we fix whatever the fuck is wrong with New Jersey
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl