Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.

Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9

Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @

Me: DAMMIT

Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.

My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]

Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?

Her: *blushing* sure

Me: What’s your hat size?

Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?

Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger

I’ve been single for so long I can’t even spell relionchip now

I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.

My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery

My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*

Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you

Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.

Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?

Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*

Nick Fury: Holy shit!

Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.

all the leaves are brown

and this guy is greg

My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.

What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”

WTF

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.

My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice

Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route

I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.

dinosaur: how’d you die

human: stupid

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.

I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate