“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Foxes are just dogs made out of cats.
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Cardio? Is that in Spain?
I overheard someone say all Asians are ninjas. I would’ve told him how racist that sounded but he was black and I didn’t want to get mugged.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
You’re nice, cute & single?
Can you introduce me to your friend who looks like he’d never return my texts? Yeah the one with the girlfriend.
Had a girl say “I want you to treat me like a virgin” So I sacrificed her to a tiki god and threw her in a volcano.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
*takes a picture of food for Instagram*
Food: delete it
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth