fr
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– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
It kinda feels like this rn
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
“and how does that make you feel?”
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine