“FRAAANCE!”
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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
What the hell is going on?
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.