Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell

[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.

when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo

Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.

just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️

[in bathroom stall]

Me: …

Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall

Day 2 without sports:

Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.

Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed

*my kid walks in*

Me: I see you’re a liar

[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!

me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats

printer: replace cyan ink cartridge

me: why? It’s a black and white document

printer: need cyan to print it

me: why?

printer: cyan

My wife is playing hard to get.

Rid of.

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it

I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.

4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?

kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool

Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.

“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”

AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.

My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”

i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery

you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.

Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.

the pigeons are already plenty salty

triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture

The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.

LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.

NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!

ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god

why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway

Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house

Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun

SON: What’re you doing?

ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!

SON: Cool

ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!