[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
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My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
if we get nuked while i’m at work i’m gonna be so mad
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman