Frankenstein?
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My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
I have always wanted to do this 😭😭
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
every olympics i turn into this guy
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE