Frankenstein?
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I know a bad idea when I see one.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
