Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire

I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.

In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.

People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”

Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table

Cat: You aren’t my real father

Me: What?

Cat: Meow?

During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?

Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.

Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby

Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked

When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning

6yo: What is a solar eclipse?

Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?

6yo: yeah

Me: same idea

Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons

Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?

Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.

Nonmaterial gift ideas:

An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house

(team meeting)

boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?

me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.

boss:

I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.

Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.

Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it

I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”

Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.

“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”

Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?

*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*

Cashier: “Are you moving?”

Me: “No, why?”

I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…

I call it my jingle bell rock.

Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.

I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.

My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.