[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
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i installed a ceiling fan in my room
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Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
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Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
🗽
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
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Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
I love it
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1