Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’

Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work

They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:

A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?

date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel

Never mess with a drunken pig.

Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed

Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?

Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic

My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?

“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”

But daddy, Santa likes-

[gently puts hand on his head]

“do what I say or he’s not coming”

my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees

Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.

“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms

For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.

canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism

My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.

one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it

what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented

[first day as a chef]

assistant: why is your hat squeaking

Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job

When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”

Omg like wtf
-me, praying

It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds

*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*