Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.

Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body

Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*

Jesus: what?

Judas: what?

ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder

*1 week later

ME: You still want a divorce?

THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING

Tried to steal some candy from a baby.

I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me

They lied about how easy that was.

Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”

One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.

Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.

“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.

Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.

I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.

me: what’s your favorite book

her: I love 1984

me: just pick one

Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person

Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.

oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!

[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew

When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.

Me: it was my grandmother’s ring

Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful

Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress

Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?

Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???

Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”

3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”

Me: “Did you throw the ball?”

3: “No, my bat did.”

Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!

11: how large is Scotland Yard?

Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…

11: never mind, I will ask google.

I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.

Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.

Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat

I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.

The company hates when I helicopter into work.

It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”

me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate

gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast

I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.