Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.

*walks in*

Nope!

*does a 360° and walks in further*

Ah that’s why I failed geometry

*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN

job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them

How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”

Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.

The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.

I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.

How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.

Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.

Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?

Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?

I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.

At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.

-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.

*Midwesterners validating weather*

-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”

99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”

20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”

47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”

whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong

Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.

[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”

what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?

Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.

[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close

they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too

Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.

Teacher: Any questions

*raises hand*

T: NO DUMB ONES

“Can you see continent names from space”

T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud

Please don’t say you have wasted 365 days of 2024. You actually wasted 366 days. 2024 was a fucking leap year bro

Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434

Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely

It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure