Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others

me: thats not me

Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you

me: nah thats not me

ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him

13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now

My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering

[War in Heaven]

Lucifer: You must choose a side.

Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?

i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know

To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.

If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five

Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

[in court during a murder trial]

hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG

me: right here

Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.

*helping son with math problem*

[hour later]

JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!

FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it

FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok

Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.

1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated

Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf

If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…

You might be dating my wife.

Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.

Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”

[one tweet gets 10 likes]

me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.

Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.

Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.

My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…

The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?

The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.

*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.

It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.

‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂

when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy

If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.

Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.