Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”
And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.
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“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock