Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.

People who hate candy corn love telling you.

You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”

The answer is always, NO.

I’m not feeling myself today…

…would YOU do it for me?

Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here

I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”

Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving

Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?

My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.

I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.

being human is disgusting sometimes but i don’t think i’d want to be a fish

My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.

[arriving in hell]

devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*

me: *starts eating*

devil: wait, how?

doctor: whats the problem?

me: my right leg is missing

doctor: no problemo

me:

doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg

me: my left leg is missing now

doctor: no problemo

Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.

[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people

Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early

I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.

[First day as a waiter]

Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?

Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.

I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious

who’s gonna tell her?

me: i’ll have a steak

waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant

me: oh

waiter:

me: ok i’ll have a vegan

I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.

I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.

“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”

Knowing WHY you’re crying is for amateurs

“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that

A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?

Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.