Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
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If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.

Husband: Where is the candy?

Me: What candy?

Husband: The Easter candy.

Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward

If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.

Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff

Trevor: That’s not always practic—

John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS

[Horsemen tryouts]

APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4

*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*

STEVE: dang it

Sorry, Ghostbusters.

At best, I might email or text you.

You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you

💻🤡

me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.

“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.

Her: I don’t see color

Me: They make glasses for that now

i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!

Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries

[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”

*Eats rice with chop sticks*

“Holy shit! When can you start?!”

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!

People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.

Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.

ok like just. call me at this point

Them: There are no stupid questions

Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?

Them: There is one stupid question

Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.

no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them

Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?

-me, as a therapist

1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”

Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.

7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.

I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.