Frankenstein?
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[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Nose
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls