Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.

[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or

oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review

I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.

I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.

[on a first date]

Her: …
Me: …

EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?

Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.

Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.

You find my yoga pants distracting…

…would you like me to take them off?

when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out

Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?

FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you

SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet

Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.

As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.

Made a playlist for your weekend hike

Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.

If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency

[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming

I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.

Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*

Satan:

Me:

Satan: Give it back…

cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster

shaggy: no problem

cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine

shaggy: haha lets not do that

“I swear to God I will turn this car around”

Delete hinge and date that nice man who lives in his van down by the river

If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.

If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?

Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad

Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit

Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…

Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.

Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT

Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?