Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love

ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes

My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.

If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.

Freezing cake does not impede eating.

Stiff calories are still delicious.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry

Fun Things

me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination

me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume

“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.

Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire

Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.

I think I’m gonna be sick

Allen: I’ll never talk

Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that

It should cost money to watch me bend over to pick something up off the floor

white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery

Her: I’m an only child

Me: There are literally billions of children

🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶

Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?

If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?

my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids

Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting

The answer is funnier than the question

“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”

-Superman

Them: I know you mean well –

Me: I absolutely do not

Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.

Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.

*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*

When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.